Breaking the Habit
by Ginny McCartney
Summary: To Linkin Park's Breaking the Habit, Harry's thoughts on Sirius's death and the prophecy he just learned about. RR


Disclaimer: I didn't right nor do I own either the Linkin Park song "Breaking the Habit" and I am sadly not J.K. Rowling  
  
Breaking the Habit  
By: Ginny McCartney

Memories consume,  
Like opening the wound  
I'm picking me apart again  
You'll all assume  
I'm safe here in my room  
Unless I try to start again  
  
There are very few things that have ever touched me deeply and truly. One of them was my parent's death even though I don't remember it, but it has made the biggest impact that will ever occur on my life. Nothing ever touched me that deeply until now. I lost someone who was just like my father, the father that, yes I never knew, but there are some things you just know the way they are and that's it nothing more and nothing less. I don't know if this is something I will ever recover from. I've already lost so many people, and I'm only 15. I don't want to lose anyone else close to me, it has already been too much for me to handle. I can't cope and some days I just don't want to cope. There are days when all I want to do is hide in my room all day and forget about everything else, or maybe spend the day on the beach and relax, hell now I would just settle for going through the worst Monday ever (double Divination, Potions, Umbridge's Defense Against the Dark Arts and no lunch) if it just meant that all I had to worry about was my schoolwork. But, apparently I'm not allowed to be a normal kid.  
  
I don't want to be the one  
The battles always choose  
'Cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confused  
  
I don't always want to be the strong one whom everyone leans on. There are just times like now where I need someone to lean on, and so far I haven't found anyone. Sure everyone tries to comfort me, but it's not the same. If I had just one person to confide everything in, then maybe everything would be all right. But I don't. Once again I must stand alone, because people just don't care enough. Sure anyone can be strong, but they are never strong alone someone is always behind them giving them strength, but now I've lost the one and only person whose ever been my anchor, and no one wants to fill his place. He's gone and now I'm alone.  
  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I know it's not alright  
So I'm breaking the habit, tonight  
  
But, then I would be my fault he's gone. If I hadn't have been so stupid and rushed into something without knowing everything, then he would still be here, and I wouldn't be so guilty and alone. It is my fault he's dead and I will always have to live with the guilt and pain of killing the one person who meant the most to me because of my stupidity. That's basically what it comes down to; he died because I was stupid. He died because of something I did, and he didn't deserve to be the first victim or a victim at all. Yes, the first of many victims, I know there will be more, many more. Actually though he would be the second victim, well that I know personally. Cedric would have been the first. But that doesn't matter, well it does matter, but Cedric didn't mean as much to me as he does, and I'll have to live with that until the day I die. But I'm not actually sure I can live with this guilt, it might get to me before Voldemort does.  
  
Clutching my cure  
I tightly lock the door  
I try to catch my breath again  
I hurt much more  
Than anytime before  
I have no options left again  
  
This is just too much for me to handle on top of what may possibly be the weight of the world on my shoulders. I didn't need to know about that prophecy the very same night he died or should I say I killed him because that's what I basically did, I killed him. But, now I have that prophecy and a death to deal with. How much do they really think I can take before snapping? Not much more, I can answer that question, possibly the only one I can answer right now. Why did it have to be me? Why was I the one chosen? I know I can't handle this, I'm going to break soon and it won't be pretty. But I can't break because that would mean everything the whole wizarding world has worked for would be lost. Voldemort would return and it would be all my fault. So either I learn to cope or I destroy the world, why does it always have to be me?  
  
I don't want to be the one  
The battles always choose  
'Cause inside I realize  
That I'm the one confused  
  
I really wish that Dumbledore had told me about that stupid prophecy before. I can't get the words out of my head.

"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches"  
That didn't have to be me it could have been Neville.  
  
"Born to those who thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies."  
That couldn't have meant me it could have meant Neville.  
  
"And the Dark Lord will mark him as an equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not"  
Well I guess that would be me considering I have the scar and Neville doesn't.  
  
"And either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives"  
Great so I have to be the murderer or the murder victim. I wish I had known this a long time ago then maybe I could have gotten use to this whole idea. The only person I've ever wanted to kill was Bellatrix Lestrange, but that was only because she killed him. But then Voldemort killed my parents and screwed up my life, so he should have to pay.  
  
"The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies"  
I guess it really did mean me, and I'm not really sure if I can handle that. I don't know what to do, and pretty much the world is depending on me. This is way too much for one person to handle.  
  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
I don't know why I instigate  
And say what I don't mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright  
So I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit, tonight  
  
It would have helped a hell of a lot to know about this whole prophecy before, then maybe I would have at least the beginnings of a plan formulated. If I had known then maybe I wouldn't have been so stupid and fallen for Voldemort's trick, and killed the one person who meant most to me. Dumbledore's plan apparently didn't work, so now I'm suffering for it. There are times when I wish I had never heard of Hogwarts, and I had never found out I was a wizard, I would have been so much happier. Well maybe not the happiest person alive, I mean come on how happy can a person who's been his cousin's punching bag be? But, I would be happier.  
  
I'll paint it on the walls  
'Cause I'm the one at fault  
I'll never fight again  
And this is how it ends  
  
I really make myself sick sometimes. I can't believe I just though all that. I can't change any of this. I was chosen to be the one to destroy Voldemort by some strange twist of faith and that's that. There's nothing I can do; there's nothing I can change. I'm just going to have to learn to live with it, because if I don't then there really is no hope for the wizarding world. I need to figure out what to do and get people to help me. The help part won't be so difficult obviously because everyone wants Voldemort gone, but I don't know what to do, and how to go about all of this. Maybe because I know about the prophecy then I'll be allowed in the Order now. Well they have to; I'm the one that's supposed to destroy him.  
  
But, I still don't know what I'm going to do about his death. I don't think I'll ever get over this. This was just something that cut me too deeply to even talk about. I'll never get over this. I never had anyone who was like a father to me, or anyone I could confide in like I could in him. And there will never be anyone who could take Sirius's place.  
  
I don't know what's worth fighting for  
Or why I have to scream  
But now I have some clarity  
To show you what I mean  
I don't know how I got this way  
I'll never be alright  
So I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit  
I'm breaking the habit, tonight  
  
A/N: Please review and tell me any comments or helpful hints you'd like to share with me. Please don't review if you're just going to be nasty it doesn't help me improve my writing and it doesn't accomplish anything what so ever. And now I should really go finish the chapter I'm working on for my other story.


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